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President Warrior?- I had planned on writing my next stupid little feature about the old NES game WrestleMania, but i've decided to put that on hold for the next time I get the urge to type for two hours. This time, i'm going to ramble about a combination of two topics that I would have never thought related: my favorite childhood hero the Ultimate Warrior, and the Presidency of the United States. In case you missed it, although
Special Feature #3 8/28/03
I don't see how you could have considering what station it aired on, the Warrior recently made an appearance on the policically-based cable TV channel, C-SPAN 2 (how we ever survived with only one C-SPAN i'll never know). Warrior, which is now his legal name, was making an appearance at some sort of convention of young Republicans. After a 2-3 minute clip featuring the highlights of his WWF career, out walked the Warrior with a much more subdued entrance than those in his wrestling days, although they did play his old theme song. After that he began to speak very passionately about the current political
scene and his personal conservative beliefs ...at least I think that's what he was saying. As you probably know, if you've seen any of his classic WWF interviews, ever tried to decipher his website, or, Heaven
'Ziggy' it ain't
forbid, tried to make sense of his short-lived comic book, Warrior truly has a way with words; some of which I think only exist in the dictionaries of Parts Unknown. What exactly is "destructicity"supposed to mean anyway? Anyway, after hearing Warrior's speech I was left with two certainties: First, I would hate to play that guy in a game of 'Scrabble'. And second, he would make a very interesting politician. I really get a kick out of how dignified, and, well, politician-like, The Warrior looks in his suit and tie,standing there with the little C-SPAN graphic underneath him. It's a stark contrast from the Warrior we're all accustomed to, the one with the painted face, arm-tassles flailing & steroid-filled veins nearing rupture as he hit the ring at 70 mph. Can you imagine what a nation with Warrior as president would be like? The first thing he should do is install ring ropes in the Oval Office. That way when things get bad, his poll numbers are down and the press is scrutinizing him, all he has to do is make
his way to the ropes and let the shaking commence! That always seemed to turn things around back in the day, at least. How exciting would the otherwise boring "State of the Union" addresses be if they began with the most rockin' theme song in wrestling history glaring throughout the Capital Building and our Commander in Chief racing to the podium, high-fiving all his fellow dignitaries along the way? And how many former presidents can say they've cleanly pinned the immortal Hulk Hogan? Not many, i'll guarantee you that. However, aside from those strong points, and as much as I enjoy the guy, I don't think he would get my vote. The negatives far outweigh the positives. For example, while our country recently thrashed the evil Iraqi regime, one has to wonder if the outcome would have been the same if Warrior was in charge. After all, he lost a crucial battle with Iraq in the form of Saddam Hussein sympathizer
How would you like it if this guy had his finger on the button?
Sgt. Slaughter at the 1991 Royal Rumble, falling victim to a vile sneak attack, thus giving the WWF Title to the enemy. Did the Warrior learn any lessons in gullability when Jake "The Snake" Roberts suckered him
into a room filled with deadly poisionus snakes, or would our potential leader still be prone to fall for any old scheme some third-world country can come up with? Another drawback of "President Warrior" is the terrifying possibility that one of our enemies, such as Al Qeada for example, could enlist the services of the man that brought the Warrior to his knees like no other, Voodoo master
Papa Shango! It would not be encouraging for a nation to see it's leader, in the middle of crucial peace negotiations, have motor-oil running out of his forehead for no apparent reason. Or worse yet, begin spewing neon green vomit all over the Secretary of State. And besides that, it's just plain disgusting. But perhpas the most discouraging flaw in our potential leader is his unreliability. You just never know when he's going to bail out on you. Sure, he may have
Is this what it would be like if the Tin Man ever bladed? ba-dump ching!
a great first few months in command, his popularity through the roof; but one day without warning he will vanish, retreating to his cave in the desert only to be heard from again when he has a new wrestling school or comic book to promote. Hmmm, you know, if you replace "cave in the desert" in that last sentence with "ranch in Texas"....well, maybe President Warrior wouldn't be so bad after all!
Hey Folks!:
If you'd like to watch the Ultimate Warrior under Papa Shango's voodoo spell, plus a lot more vintage wrestling & non-wrestling footage, then check out Gartwo's new Tape Trading Page now!
WCW for the NES... Beware the Master!
History of the AWF
Part One
email Gartwo: robertga@concord.edu